here again for you my banjo

I've realized... by playing FFXI still. Hopping servers left and right whenever a relationship went wrong.

what.. did i realize i realized that no one will ever be as good as you. i think the only thing i'd change about you is i'd like it if you were actuall devoted to me and it wasn't just a facade. i'm still tricked into thinking that you loved me you truly loved me and there's no one else to compare.

my mind is shrinking out of my head as i type this so excuse any inconsistencies with reality. it's always been you forever since before when you <3'd your way into my heart it's always always been you and probably will be forever and ever and ever. i keep thinking about you and only you. through every relationship you're always there, and not in the back of my mind in the front right there next to whatever douchebag i'm with this week or that week.

Some things.

Tomorrow I'm shopping for stuff and picking up any mail that's at the post office.
I still have his picture on my computer, so I look at it often. I miss him. I miss seeing his face almost every day. If I wasn't in the relationship things probably could have worked out, as screwed up as that sounds. I really, really miss him.

Not Ready Yet

I really am a coward... stupid hotmail has a 'what your friends are up to' thing pop up right as you log in to your hotmail account, and of course my ex was listed right at the top there -.- he was just "resting" and then "gone to work" but still.. my hands were shaking and my stomach is still achy from just that ;_;

Now my head's filling with all these thoughts "just what was he resting from!?" and "oh so he's just back to a normal schedule he's not even affected by this break up" and i got that stupid urge to call him and say something like "you're happy to be rid of me, huh?"

...........but... I can't do that anymore. i told him i'd stop bothering him and i'm going to stick to that. the ball has been in his court for a month now and all i can gather from all this is that he's better off without me.

It makes me sad, but as long as he's happy I'll be alright.

Even if he's dumb, you're loved.

Red Garden: Dead Girls sucks. One line from it was great but the rest was just really sucky. Sucks.

My birthday party is the 21st, since I'm turning 21. It's just an at-home party with some of my friends and family and there's games and stuff.

I sent back his stuff a couple of weeks ago, so hopefully my stuff is at the post office now. I felt a little better putting the note with my feelings on it in the box just before I taped it up. It was like I was sending the feelings I have for him back to him.

However... as valentine's day came I played with a few thoughts since I was getting more and more depressed as the hours dwindled down to one of the loneliest days of the year. I didn't get any word from him. Of course not, why would I? We're broken up. One of my thoughts was I'd txt him or call him and tell him to come get me on valentine's day. I wouldn't say anything else to him but I was planning on killing myself if he didn't show up. About an hour later I came to the conclusion that that was crazy. Yeah, it took an hour. I'm not perfect.
Another thought was going to visit him, a friend of mine said I should do it, so this was a little less crazy. But I don't think I could face seeing him with another girl or hearing he was out and stuff... I mean I still don't go on facebook because of all this. I'm such a coward >.>;;

It should be getting better, but it isn't.

Done.

It looks like he's over me.

Picking up the phone just to hang up on me... clever. Hurtful.





"Night and day at the end of the day, all day and so every day
I scream even in my dreams I want to become happy"



I hope you're satisfied.

Ahh..

What can I say? I'm shipping out his things this week. I think I'm going to put a letter to him inside it, too. I've been having those urges to call him again for a third time but I've restrained myself just barely. I miss him.

I've been racking my brain: do I need closure? Did I do something terrible that he isn't telling me?

I really don't know what happened I guess. Was there any more I could have done? Maybe I was getting fat or something, I was eating a lot more. Really..I really don't know.

I didn't want this. I didn't want to be single again. I wanted him to appreciate me and love me so much I could die.

Yield

I've been doing pretty good. I'm having nightly breakdowns but besides that..during the day I'm fine for the most part. He's constantly on my mind, though. Right now I'm in that phase where I'm bitter towards couples, and hate everyone who's in a relationship.

I had a double dose of it tonight! The thing that hurt me most about what happened with banjo came up tonight when the LS leaders of the LS i'm in on ffxi were planning their in game wedding. banjo thought even that was too much of a commitment after so many years..

And about Vu? I didn't want to marry him so soon but he just kept going on and on about how I'm scaring him off talking about our future. If he didn't want me to talk about the future w/ him then why did he get mad when I wasn't sure if there was a future with him towards the end?

I turn over each fight in my head. I've sent whole conversations to practical strangers, people I pretty much just met and they all tell me the same thing: he's a manipulative jerk. I keep thinking "what did i do wrong?" and I come back with nothing. I tried my hardest and I don't even know why I'm so hung up on this guy still.. he obviously doesn't want me and when he did he never once tried to make me happy.

If I had one friend who I could talk all of this out with, I don't think I'd feel like I had to type on this stupid thing.

I feel dumb. I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I don't want someone who doesn't want me.



right?